2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
nutella sex= disaster
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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