I feel great
I just peed on a car
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
