I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
