Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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