It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
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you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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