Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My feet surprised me
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