i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
