Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
