Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
operation have a gay friend backfired
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
