you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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