when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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