You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
