Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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