"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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