i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Randomize
