you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
