Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
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We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor