i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
