when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
