i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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