Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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