I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Don't make out with my wife yet
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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