I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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