There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
