Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
