i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
