I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
