The maid of honor just puked.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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