Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
