i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
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