I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
