you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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