hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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