I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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