I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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