I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
