Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
