Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
