I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
