I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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