I wish I only lived at night.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
