Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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