Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
