i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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