Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
