i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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