I just cut my nipple shaving
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
