She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
