you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
