He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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