he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
