Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
