I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
