Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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