i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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