Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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