You were right. It hurts to walk today.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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