Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
