We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
