I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
