You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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